Blowing off some steam...

First of all, a song.



I'm listening to this for the third time. General mood helps me get fixated on things...
I'm not really sure why am I writing this. Been out of twitter for a few days, and nobody really knows this thing exists...
Slowly, I'm detaching myself from reality. First time I felt it (since the last time, of course) was when I was reading Philip K Dick's Radio Free Albemuth and almost believed a supernatural entity called VALIS exists. I'm afraid that, buried deep in my bedroom, I'm clingin onto the fiction I get my eye on, and to my own fantasies. And it feels the loneliest I felt for months. Second Life doesn't help anymore, it's as much part of that fiction as the rest. Unemployed, alone for most of the day, no will to go out... And I know, I'm holding on this adolescent phase, but truth of the matter is no one really knows how it feels. Feels bad, to have to spend the whole day just crawling from one place to another in the house, that constant feeling of pain without actually having something aching, not to mention finding something to fill the hours with without going crazy.
And this loneliness doesn't help, because it's not like I have many friends. More like nonexistent. People bore me to death, and I can't seem to find anyone. Most of the people I know treat me like my girlfriend's appendix.
I have the feeling I'm the one who's trapping myself in this condition. I just wish I knew what to do about it. Well, I do know what to do. Showing myself with a little dignity and less submissive to everybody else would be a start. But I can't bring myself to that. And the less I can do it, the less I can actually meet people. And the less I meet people, the more I victimize myself. So i'm kinda trapped in a loop...
Anyway, that's all for now. I'll try to keep you (whoever you might be)posted. Oh, and if you got here, thanks for reading.

As usual with the shrink appointments I really don't feel like going, the last one actually took a different course...
After upping the meds again, we started talking about comics and the occult. Now, first off, I put the comics bug in him, and, I hope, he'll have read Watchmen by the time of the next appointment.
However, the bit about occult was the most interesting turn. You see, I've never felt comfortable enough to start going on about my beliefs, especially to people with a scientific background. I do know it's prejudice, but I just felt ridiculous talking to either my shrink or psychologist about Paganism or Cerimonial Magick. So imagine my surprise when he starts talking about it!
In a nutshell, we just got around the same old debate. If occult phenomena can be scientifically explained, will they be any less "magickal"? For instance, I'm aware that a tarot spread, at least for me, doesn't work on its own, but rather works as a mirror to the self, that allows me to take bird-eye views about certain aspects. Will that awareness make it work any less? It's in the fact that such a symbolic structure can adapt to the way each mind works that its magick relies. In the end, it was nice to see that a "science-person" and, on the other hand, someone else who's a little anti-scientific, agreed on great the psychological side of occult really is. Because even though I suggested myself into believing something, and although I am aware my mind worked its way like that, there's still magick in it, there's still a certain degree of mysticism behind it, not because there could be something else (that's another story...), but because it's amazing the fact that people can influence themselves on a subconscious level like that.
So, all in all, I'd say it went rather well. Too bad today's psychologist day...

Musical Introductions

And here we are again. Before going any further, here's a little piece of the nonsense I've been listening to for the past months.



Deerhoof is a noise band from San Francisco, that I advise everyone to check out. And, if you're further interested in Noise, get your brains turned upside down with Melt Banana.

Anyways, music intros aside. Now that i've got the blog up and running, I am actually staring at the keyboard, thinking if I have anything worth saying. But, as you'll find out (hopefully), there isn't much worth your attention around here.

Today is shrink day. It's one of those days that will end up with me tired as hell after the appointment, with either new meds or new dosages. I guess it feels a little disappointing, considering it's been a year since i've started being followed by this particular shrink and the psychologist that works with him. Let's hope I bring good news later on...

So hi.

I've been thinking about this blog for a long time. Somewhere in my computer there's a full introduction I wrote, listing some of the reasons for it, introducing myself, and so on. But I always fell short, never really brought myself to come up with a decent name (as you can see), nor could I come to terms of sharing some pretty intimate stuff with the whole of the www (or some microscopic part of it, to be more accurate).
But now, after realising my twitter account isn't enough to unload some of the weight in my head, (and, in all honesty, because I very arrogantly wouldn't like my twitter account to be so depressing, when I've managed to find a more direct link to so many comics artists), I've decided to act on a whim. To hell with objective introductions.

First off, to anyone who might read this. I'm a little messed up. The cientific term is clinical depression (once again, hence the title, cause my head is pretty filled with Soup-thick Fog). On and off, my condition worsens, and, somehow, it feels good to just take a break from my boring day to just write. write a little about how I feel, write about what's bugging me, write about what I'm listening to, about what I'm reading. So, no, it won't just be about how the same old crap.

Finally, for those who, like me, have no life or do have a life, but waste it away for some time, you can reach me on Second Life, through Simon Butoh. Can't say I'll always be there, but I'll always answer.

So hi. Hope you stick around.